【英文幽默故事】英语幽默故事(尽量长一点)_英语_臆躠0632罖
编辑： admin 2017-15-06
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1. A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇?
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房.他双手各拿一瓶酒.在墙上有只苍蝇,他误以为是枚钉子.他把两只瓶子朝上一挂,瓶子掉下来摔碎了,酒洒了一地.一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后,对他深表同情,决定帮他个忙.
于是,第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时,她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方.
这里,老人回到了房里.倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事.他抬头往墙上一看,苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近,使尽全力拍了一掌.听到一声大叫,好心的女服务员冲进房来.让她大为吃惊的是,可怜的老头正坐在地板上,牙关紧咬,右手滴血不止.
2.A Soldier's Brilliant Idea
Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.
When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.
Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.
士兵的高招
由于生意方面的事,罗宾逊先生得出趟门.因为有点紧急,他决定坐飞机.乘机旅行时,他喜欢靠窗坐,故而一登机,他就寻找一个靠窗的座位.他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着.在那空座位边坐着一名士兵.令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是,这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置.罗宾逊先生不管那些,他马上径直朝那个空座位走去.
然而,等到了那儿,他看见座位上有则启事,是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡,特预设该位置,谢谢合作.”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事.不过,他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品,于是他找了个不靠窗的位置.
又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上,他们看到那则启事就走开了.当快满座时,一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱.一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事.士兵用这种办法,成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴.
3.
A Bad Impression
Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.
At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.
The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"
As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"
一个坏印象
有六个人搭乘火车旅行,坐在同一车箱内.其中五个很安静,也很规矩.但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人,给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦.
最后,这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车.没有一个旅客帮他的忙.有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了,才打开窗户,对着他大声喊：“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后,又把窗户关了起来.
年轻人转过身子,拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱,匆匆赶了回来.他转回来时,显得非常疲倦,对着窗户大声喊：“我把什么东西留在车上了?”
当火车再次启动时,叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说：“一个极坏的印象!”
4.A Smugglar
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
走私犯
一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境,哨兵迎了上去.哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时,惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋.
“里面装的是什么?”他问道.
“土.”司机回答.
“把袋子拿出来”,哨兵命令道：“我要检查.”
那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来.确实,口袋里除了土以外,别无他特.哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了.
一周后,那人又来了,哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱.
“这次袋子里装的是什么?”他问道.
“土,又运了一些土.”那人回答.
哨兵不相信,对那些袋子又进行了检查,结果发现,除了土以外,仍旧一无所获.
同样的事情每周重演一次,一共持续了六个月.最后,哨兵被弄得灰心丧气,干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者.有天夜里,那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧,下车喝酒.那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说,“我说,老兄,你要是能帮我一个忙,今晚的酒就归我请客.你能不能告诉我,那段时间你到底在走私什么东西?”
那人俯身过来,凑近侍者的耳朵,裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车.”
互助这道作业题的同学还参与了下面的作业题
题1： 哪里有稍微长一点（大约2分钟左右）的英语幽默故事?
这里幽默故事,去看一下吧：
题2： 【求英语幽默故事有中文有英语,100—200个单词,不要太短,最好能说明一个道理】[英语科目]
1.Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons."My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman."When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Monsignor'."
The second mother went on,"My son is a bishop.When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one."When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment."My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds," she said."When he enters a room,people say,'Oh,my God'!"
谁的儿子最伟大
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子.“我的儿子是个教士,”第一位母亲自豪地说道,“他进入房间,人们都说,阁下’.”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教.他进入房间,人们都称,大人’.”
“我的儿子是位红衣主教,”第三位母亲接着说,“他走进房间,人们都说,尊敬的主教大人’.”
第四位母亲略思片刻.“我的儿子身高六英尺十,体重三百磅,”她说,“他要是走入房间,人们都说‘哦,我的上帝’!”
2.A Holiday from School
Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go.
If he sneezed,he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold.
If he had a headache,he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours.
He spent more time at home than he did at school.
On the days that he did go to school,he looked for excuses to come home early.
One morning he came home when the lessons were only half finished.
His father was surprised.
"You've come home early," he said."Is the school closed today?"
"No,Dad," Tommy said - "It's open.I came home early.
"How did you do that?" his father asked him."What did you say to the teacher?"
"I told her that I had a new baby brother and that I had to come home and help you ."
"But your mother has had twins," his father said,"a boy and a girl.You've got a baby brother and a baby sister."
"Yes,I know,Dad," Tommy said."I'm saving up my baby sister for next week "
汤姆讨厌上学,总是找借口不去上学.
如果他打喷嚏,他就叫他妈妈写个纸条说他感冒了.
如果他头痛,他就叫他妈妈在上课时间带他去看病.
他呆在家里的时间比在学校的时间要多.
在他的确去上学的日子里,他就找借口早点回家.
一天早上他上了一半课就从学校回来了.
他爸爸很惊讶.
“你回来很早,”他爸爸问,“今天学校放学了吗?”
“没有,爸爸,”汤姆说,“还没放学.我提前回来了.”
“你怎么会提前回来了?”爸爸问,“你对老师说什么了?”
“我告诉她我有了一个小弟弟,我得回家帮你.”
“但是你妈妈生了一对双胞胎,”爸爸说,“一个男孩,一个女孩.你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹.”
“是的,我知道,爸爸,”汤姆说,“我要等下个星期再说我有个小妹妹了.”
题3： 【英语幽默故事150字左右,以对话为主,附加中文.】[英语科目]
小明上英文课时跟老师说：“May I go to the toilet?” 老师说：“Go ahead.” 小明就坐了下来.过了一会儿,小明又跟老师说：“May I go to the toilet?” 老师说：“Go ahead.”小明又坐了下来.他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：“你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗?怎么不去?”小明说：“你没听老师说‘去你个头’啊!”
翻译成英文就是：
Xiaoming English class with the teacher,said:"May I go to the toilet?" The teacher said:"Go ahead." Xiaoming sit down.After a while,Xiao-Ming Yougen teacher,said:"May I go to the toilet?" The teacher said:"Go ahead." Xiaoming and sat down.He next to the students ask:"Do you not like a teacher talking about it to the toilet?How not?" Little said:"You heard the teacher say,'go to your head' ah!"
非常搞笑的 单词也很简单基本就是初中的单词
题4： 英语幽默小故事要参加学校里的英语讲故事比赛,希望大家帮我找一下英语幽默故事及视频（相同的内容）,故事内容最好浅显易懂,太难了同学们会听不懂,如果没有幽默的,其他的也可以,时间[英语科目]
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤.
汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了.
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里.他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”
“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说.
“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问.
“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说.“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢.”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱.
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说. “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说.“再给你两分钱.可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的.”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家.这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题.他向父亲发问道：“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察.如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了.” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意.这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子.过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里. 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好.你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生.”那小男孩说.
英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"且话偻蚰昴?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀.谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?
学生：我指不出,但我知道答案.
老师：请说说看.
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子.
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道.
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了." 小女孩回答道.
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too."
新老师
9月1日, 乔治放学回到家里.
"乔治,你喜欢你们的新老师吗?" 妈妈问.
"妈妈,我不喜欢,因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6."
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时,当同学们都还在苦思冥想时,尼克很快就答好了第一个问题.
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时,我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声?
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前,耳朵在后.
Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的历史考试
舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样?
母亲：唉,糟透了.可话又说回来,这也不能怪他.嗨,他们尽问一些这个
可怜的孩子出生前的事儿.
Magic change
神奇变化
Gaga is a little duck. He is small, dirty and ugly. His friends don’t like to play with him.
One day, Gaga walked behind his friends quietly(静悄悄地).But his friends did not want him. Gaga was very sad and ran to the river and cried loudly(大声地).
Just then, a big beautiful bird heard(听见)him crying and flew down(飞下来,落下来). She said, “Please don’t cry. Tell me, what do you want? I can help you.”
Gaga told the truth(真相). The beautiful bird said, “OK, I can help you to become a good-looking duck.” Then she took out a blanket and put it on the duck’s body. She said something which the little duck didn’t understand. Then she took away the blanket. There stood (站立)a good-looking duck.
Gaga was very happy. He thanked the big bird and quickly went to play with his friends
题5： 英语幽默小故事(高手进）初一能看懂的,不必太长,要有问题（用YESORNO回答),非常急,快的加50分ASundayschoolteacherwastellingherpupilstheimportanceofmakingothersglad."Now,children,"saidshe,"hasanyoneof[英语科目]
Stan:I won 92 goldfish.
Fred:Is it real
Stan:yes ,It is.
Fred:Where are you going to keep them?
Stan:In the bathroom .
Fred:But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan:Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼.
弗雷德：是真的吗?
斯丹：是的.
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?
斯丹：浴室.
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛